Tag: adultery

Adultery – A Brainless Act

This is for everyone who is even remotely entertaining the idea of having some “extramarital fun”. Who has become flirty with the guy at work, or the gal next door. The couple who’ve allowed their marriage to become nothing more than a document filed in a county courthouse somewhere.

For the person who believes internet chat rooms and pornographic web sites aren’t a problem.

Maybe it’s for you, or someone you know.

Webster defines adultery this way – sex between a married person and someone who is not that person’s wife or husband.

Some folks call it an affair, others try to convince themselves “everyone is doing it”. They believe the rhetoric which says “traditional marriage is old-fashioned.” Still others will try and write it off as a one night stand, a lapse in judgment; one of those “I couldn’t help myself” moments.

But adultery is a violent attack against one’s spouse. It is just as violent as taking a knife to their throat, and while the blood pours onto the ground saying to them, “I just don’t love you anymore. I’ve found someone else.”

It is like Malachi wrote – “…the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage…” (Malachi 2:16 MSG)

Some even post pictures or write about their new “relationship” on Facebook. They want people to help ease their conscience by saying, “Congratulations”.

Makes me want to say, “Congratulations on your brainless act of adultery.” Wonder how that would go over?

If I had a dollar for every time an adulterer said, “I just want to be happy”, I’d be a VERY rich man!

Think about a murderer, on the witness stand at his trial, answering the question, “Why did you murder your spouse?” Imagine them saying, “I just wanted to be happy.” How would that sound to the judge?

Adultery, according to the writer of Proverbs, is a brainless act.

“Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputation ruined for good.” (Proverbs 6:32 MSG)

Brainless act; letting the animalistic nature take over. (By the way, I know what it’s like to be brainless and come very close to losing everything).

Allowing a smile from someone other than one’s spouse become an invitation. Welcoming strange fire into one’s bosom. Becoming obsessed with thoughts about someone who should be off limits.

Feeding one’s curiosity with thoughts such as, “I wonder if they feel the same as I do?” “Are they giving me some kind of hidden signal?”

No one has ever just stumbled and fallen into adultery. It has always been the result of first ignoring the warning sounds, the barking watch dog, in one’s heart. That inner voice which screams, “Don’t go there! Don’t be a fool!”

Or, like on the old sci-fi show, “Lost in Space”, the robot which says, “Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!”

I think we all know ignoring certain road signs can be detrimental to one’s health. Drinking poison can be deadly. Setting oneself on fire is suicidal.

Adultery is a brainless act. 

It is a violent act. Not only to the wounded spouse and the rest of the family, but to oneself. As we read in Proverbs, “…soul-destroying, self-destructive; expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputation ruined for good”.

Someone once told me, after they had been caught in adultery, “I need to leave my spouse, because I don’t want the other person to get away.”

A brainless, and heartless, act. 

According to Jesus, it need not be an actual physical action, but could be simply lust in a person’s mind/heart toward someone other than their spouse.

It may only be one-sided. The other person, the object of “affection” may not realize they have become someone’s fantasy.

But it is still adultery.

The people who produce pornography EXPECT to become someone’s fantasy. Pornography is either adultery or fornication; it all depends on whether the person viewing it is married or not.

Are YOU married? Are YOU viewing pornography? Have YOU allowed thoughts of another person to push aside thoughts of your spouse. Are YOU letting someone else get too close to your heart?

If so, RUN, don’t walk, AWAY from the other person as quickly as possible. Don’t even linger to say goodbye. Shut down the flow of evil thoughts, desires, and actions.

Start USING your brain. Understand what adultery is, and the consequences of getting involved with someone other than your spouse. YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT!

No one can afford the cost of such a brainless act.

So, run from even the hint of an inappropriate relationship.

And keep the knife from your spouse’s throat.

An Open Letter To Adulterers

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There are approximately 56 million couples in America. 112 million men and women who were joined together as husband and wife to begin their own miniature civilizations.

That number represents about one third of this nation’s population. After reading a number of different statistics on various websites, and after discovering that an estimated 50% of marriages are being undermined (or maybe “mined”, as in blown apart) by adultery (emotional and/or sexual), I decided to write this letter to the 56 million or so people who have already had, or who are considering having, an adulterous affair.

Here it is.

An Open Letter To Adulterers.

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Adulterer, 

Although you probably envision yourself as a romantic, passionate lover, your decision to ignore your marriage covenant isn’t about romance or love. Adultery is not the steamy hot tryst Hollywood likes to portray. 

It is a real life killer of relationships, hopes, dreams, character, and, of course, trust. 

Adulterers aren’t lovers. They are murderers. “Affairs” don’t just happen. Neither does first degree murder.

I’m sure you don’t believe that about yourself.

How does cheating on your spouse make you anything but a selfish, out of control loser? How do you justify your feelings as love? Didn’t you “love” the person you married? Didn’t you promise to love, cherish, and protect your partner until you were separated by death?

You say you can’t live without your new found love. You’ve said that before. And just because your heart has become so hardened it can no longer distinguish between truth and lies doesn’t change the fact you are a liar, a cheater, and totally untrustworthy. 

If you won’t honor your vows to one, don’t think for a moment you will next time. And if your new “love” couldn’t keep their vows with the one they swore “until death do us part”, how can you honestly believe you’re the exception? That they’ll treat you differently?

Mr. and Mrs. Adulterer, will you stop fantasizing long enough to face some real facts of life? 

Fact – adultery isn’t simply a fling, an affair, a rendezvous, or even a one night stand. It isn’t merely an inappropriate touch, or a suggestive remark. 
It is an attack against your very own civilization; the very one you promised to protect. 

It’s as though you grabbed your spouse by the hair, threw them to the ground, and held them while your “lover” chopped off their head with a machete!

 

Adultery isn’t any nicer than ISIS. It’s just less bloody. 

 

Fact – adultery teaches a lesson to the next generation that it’s okay to be unfaithful. It’s alright to ignore vows and obey sensual desires. If it feels good, do it. After all, happiness is the main thing, isn’t it?

Is that what you want your children to learn?

Happiness is not the main thing, if in the process you must destroy others in order to have your way.

Fact – adultery is a lazy person’s way of dealing with marital problems. It’s kind of like a kid playing hooky from school because they can’t pass a test. They didn’t study for the test, didn’t pay attention in class; instead they spent the time daydreaming about playing outside with friends. So, they skip school rather than work on the lesson. 

So you have problems with your spouse. Yeah? And who doesn’t, at some point in their marriage? 

It might help if you quit looking out the classroom window, and began studying your lesson.

Fact – adultery doesn’t fix any problem. It never repairs relationship issues, it won’t cure sexual addictions, and it only mocks the ones who say they did it for the sake of love.

Rolling around on the bed of adultery is not an expression of love. It is the picture of a person who likes themself better than anyone else in their world. Even more than the person they are “making love” to. 

An adulterer does not understand love.

As I close, may I introduce you to a few timeless truths you may or may not have heard before? 

1. God avenges the one who has been cheated on. 1 Thessalonians 4:6

2. God blesses the marriage bed, but judges the sexually immoral and the adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

3. God sees you as an infidel, and one who’s denied the faith, if you won’t care for your own (which includes your spouse and kids). 1 Timothy 5:8

4. God will NOT grant you His peace as long as you’re rebelling against His will. He will not bless your hands while they are the hands of an adulterer. 

Maybe you’ve thought through all this rhetoric and still believe your happiness is all that matters. Your mind’s made up. Your course is set. 

Then have at it. 

But hopefully you’re re-examining your heart; remembering the sacred vows of yesterday. If so, it’s time to get up and out of the situation. Break it off, turn your back on it while you turn your face toward the ones who really matter. 

God. And the little civilization called your family. 

Sincerely,

Jan

How Do People Fall Out Of Love?

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Recently my wife and I were visiting with some friends, discussing how sad it was that some of our mutual friends divorced after many years of marriage.

Christian friends. Christians in pastoral ministry. Close friends. It breaks our hearts.

As we talked, their seventeen year old daughter asked us a question; a very good question.

“How do people who once loved each other just quit loving?”

She went on to say she always thought love was supposed to last forever.

Like I said, it was a very good question.
Have YOU ever had that same question?

More specifically, have you ever found yourself no longer in love with the person you promised to honor and cherish forever? Have you brushed aside your marriage vows for a walk on the wild side?

Has someone caught your eye; someone other than your covenant partner?

How do people fall out of love?

Maybe it would be better to first discuss how people fall IN love.

No one actually loves another person the first time they meet. There’s no such thing as love at first sight. Sure, there’s the initial “wow, they’re good looking”, and possibly a desire to get to know the good looker better begins to form.

But love isn’t the same as infatuation. The eyes are not the seat of one’s affections. The eyes will send information to the heart and soul, but the heart must decide how it’s going to process that data. 

Reinforcing the eyes’ downloads, the other senses join in. Words spoken, the way they are spoken, perfumes worn, soft touches and warm embraces all can solidify the message the heart is receiving…

“It’s true love. This person will make me happy forever.”

But it’s never a feeling. It’s a decision. 

 

That’s a basic description of how a person falls in love. Info is gathered by the senses, filtered through the mind (soul), and judged (decided upon) by the heart.

 

How does a person fall OUT of love?

First, when their senses aren’t guarded – if their eyes are allowed to see things that stimulate them emotionally (or sexually), they are already running the risk of falling out of love. If someone other than my spouse stimulates me in an area reserved only for true love, I’m in danger.

Even if there’s nothing sexual happening, an emotional bond can be built through conversation alone. “They’re so great to talk with. They understand me, and we have so much in common…”

Next, the allegiance which really belongs to the spouse begins to be shifted to the other person; the one who’s more fun, listens better, looks better, etc.

It can happen slowly, or, if there are other things happening in one’s life such as sexual addiction or troubles already in the marriage, it can happen very quickly.

Then, the mind begins to convince the heart that a change is needed. It presents all the data it’s received to the heart, and like a great used car salesman, sells the idea as a necessity.

The heart becomes deceived.

Inevitably, opportunity is just around the corner for anyone who has yielded this far.

Opportunity to become a slave to an illicit affair. 

Falling out of love sounds so innocent, doesn’t it? I mean, the phrase “I just don’t love them anymore” makes it sound as though it can’t be helped.

If that’s true, then no one could ever help falling IN love. So what good would marriage vows serve?

Please examine your life. Are you enjoying the extra attention from someone other than your spouse?

You have a choice. You decide whom you’ll love.

People just don’t fall out of love.

They walk out of it.

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23 ESV)

 

The Wandering Heart

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Infidelity. Cheating. Affair. Adultery. 

Not uncommon words in our society. Possibly not uncommon in our life experience.

One set of statistics I looked at claimed 30 to 60 percent of marriages have at least one partner who has been involved in an extramarital affair.

Extramarital. Even the word doesn’t make sense.

Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman; a husband and wife. The oath of the covenant, the marriage vows, stipulates each party will love, honor, and protect the other; no matter what circumstances may arise. 

To protect is to guard against an intruder, an interloper. Which would include someone trying to drive a wedge between the husband and wife.

“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6 ESV)

“Let not man (or woman) separate…”

 

Why would a person, man or woman, allow someone to break up their marriage?

 

Oh, I’m sure you’ve heard the excuses, er, uh, I mean, the reasons why.

In case you haven’t, here are a few:

“He works all the time…”

“She’s not as attractive as she used to be…”

“My husband doesn’t understand me like ______ does…”

“She makes me feel young again…”

“He’s so tender and kind, and loves me like my husband used to…”

“My wife nags me all the time! _______ is so much fun to be around…”

No man ever leaves his wife for another woman because his wife isn’t pretty enough or sexy enough. 

Women don’t jump up and take another woman’s husband just because it was “love at first sight”.

 

If a man has wandering eyes, it’s because he has a wandering heart. Same thing with a woman who has problems honoring the covenant with her husband.

 

The wandering heart is an unguarded heart. It’s a heart that really hasn’t committed itself to a “for better or worse” covenant relationship.

The wandering heart hasn’t disciplined it’s eyes, ears, mind, or hands to faithfully love only one person.

If my eyes look at other women, even as “eye candy”, my heart is unguarded. It’s shod with wandering shoes; it only needs an opportunity.

If I allow another woman to speak to me as only my wife should, again, my heart’s getting ready to wander.

Unprotected thoughts, curious thoughts that take us to forbidden places lead the way for the wandering heart.

The wandering heart is a lying heart. It always wants to shift the blame for its infidelity to someone else, or to some other reason. It despises the truth.

Truth is what the wandering heart needs for protection, or for restoration.

If you’ve ever had your spouse tell you you’re no longer good enough, please understand this truth; you will never be “good enough” to compete with a wandering heart. 
Don’t beat yourself up.

Rather, let the peace of God rule in your heart. Protect your heart with the truth of God’s word. And trust Him for a miracle.

That your man/woman will be delivered from the wandering heart.

An Adulterous Affair 

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“It just happened. One day I was deeply in love with my wife, and the next day I found myself in bed with another woman.”

“I don’t know what happened!”

“I wasn’t flirting. I’m just an innocent victim.”

“My husband is never around. Even when he’s home, he’s got some stupid ball game on. But I never dreamed I’d find myself in the arms of another man.”

In today’s world, adulterous affairs seem to be the norm. Most of us know someone who’s been caught in the trap. 

Maybe you’ve been caught.

I know what it’s like to bear the guilt of an adulterous affair. I also know about God’s grace, and the love of a godly wife. I’m not proud of myself. I AM thankful to my Savior who, along with my wife, gave me another chance at purity.

But this post isn’t about me; it’s about you. It’s about something I heard the other day. Actually, I read it twenty years ago but was reminded of it just yesterday.

When I first read it I thought, “That’s exactly right! It’s just how things happened in my life.”

So when I heard it yesterday I knew I needed to share it with you. Because you may be about to be caught in the snare of an adulterous affair.

Emotional, sexual, or an affair involving fantasizing with pornography; it’s still an affair. It still steals, kills, and destroys.

But you don’t have to let it happen. 

No one accidentally becomes an adulterer. No one. People make a series of choices, bad choices, that carry them along the pathway to ruin.

I don’t know who originally wrote this (12 steps – I added the description to each one), but it’s true and full of wisdom. Pay attention and examine your life carefully.

There are 12 steps to an affair.

1. Readiness – not necessarily on the prowl, but your heart isn’t guarded either. Loose eyes, wandering thoughts, ever appreciative of eye candy. Discreetly, of course.

2. Alertness – you seem to notice when someone looks your way more than usual. You curiously return the glances, or find ways to interact with your new found friend.

3. Innocent Meeting – “Well look who’s here. Fancy meeting you here.” Or so you say, when all along you were hoping to see them.

4. Intentional Meeting – you’ve learned your friend’s schedule, and you begin to justify your feelings. You are becoming trapped. But it’s not too late to back out.

5. Public Lingering – such fun; being with the other person. Even if your spouse is around, you’re getting an emotional high out of just being in the presence of this dear, precious person.

6. Private Lingering – you’re pretty bold by now; caution has been thrown overboard. You haven’t touched your “attraction” yet, but you’re closer to the sack than the altar. You are in a very dangerous place.

7. Purposeful Isolation – by now, you’re looking for any and every reason to communicate with you know who. Sneaking, lying, whatever it takes to make contact.

As you’re reading this, are you thinking of a particular person? Is there someone you’ve become a little too chummy with?

If so, break it off right now. The longer you stay connected, the closer you are to ruin.

8. Pleasurable Isolation – alone at last, where you can speak openly with each other. Alone, except for the all-seeing, all-knowing God who has been trying to get your attention.

9. Affectionate Embracing – nothing physical, other than a caring hug. However, you are a mess on the inside because your heart is trapped, entangled emotionally with someone who doesn’t belong to you. Someone other than your spouse.

10. Passionate Embracing – hands flying everywhere. You’re just about finished. You’ve lost control. To stop now you’ll have to practically cut off your hands and feet. You’re on autopilot, getting ready to crash.

11. Copulation – nestled between the sheets with the devil.

And finally…

12. Acceptance – this is the scariest part of all. You’ve become calloused to true love, to commitment, and to those who’ve loved you through thick and thin.

Hard-hearted. 

“God wants me to be happy.”

Yes, He does. But true happiness begins with holiness. Living life according to His principles, as well as your marriage vows.

12 Steps.

If you’ve found yourself at one of these steps, here’s what you need to do:

1. Repent.

2. Break off any connection or contact.

3. Talk with a true friend, possibly a pastor, who will pray with you and help you get free.

4. Don’t lie to your friend, or yourself.

5. Work on “returning” home; first off, emotionally.

May you find freedom before it’s too late.

An adulterous affair can become an eternal nightmare.

A Trapped Cat

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Lately I’ve been thinking about traps and snares. I’ve thought about trapping animals and I’ve also remembered the feelings I had a number of years ago, when, like a wild animal, I was trapped.

It would be insane for anyone who’s married to believe they are above and beyond ever falling into a snare or crawling into a trap. There are spiritual entities, spirits if you will, whose sole purpose is to cause you and I to let down our guard, run after forbidden fruit, and totally disregard the holy vows we made to our spouse, and thus climb willingly into the trap.

Traps and snares are never placed where they will readily be seen. They’re never marked with big bold red letters saying, “This is a trap. Stay out.” No, they’re camouflaged, blending in with the scenery. We can become so used to the landscape we fail to notice something out of place. For instance, talking with, or working with someone from the opposite sex can begin innocently enough that nothing seems out of order. But little by little, if not careful, the heart may become unguarded and actually addicted to those “innocent” conversations. A trap is being set, and there’s no time to linger. It’s time for action.

But the proud, the arrogant, believe they are strong enough, and wise enough, to flirt around with someone outside their marriage covenant. After all, shouldn’t two adults be able to enjoy each other’s company without someone trying to make a federal case out of it?

One time, years ago, there was a stray cat that kept hanging around our house. It was a real nuisance, and I decided I’d had enough. So, I bought a trap, put bait in it (dog food which the cat seemed to love to eat) and waited.

A couple of days later, my efforts were rewarded. The cat was trapped. I didn’t kill it, because I’m a nice guy. I did, however, take it to a park a couple of miles away where I released it.

The cat got off easy. Much easier than most people who have been caught in the trap of adultery.

Adultery is too common, don’t you think? And it does not enhance one’s life. It only steals, kills, and destroys anything and everything good.

It’s a cage that imprisons its catch until the master of the cage decides what to do with its prize.

It’s baited with things that draw us in. Things like friendships, lust, problems in the marriage, and sharing intimate knowledge with someone other than our spouse.

The cat couldn’t resist the bait. It loved dog food. It didn’t have the wherewithal to reason within itself, or to call on the Lord for help. It couldn’t dial a friend or anyone else; it was simply left up to its animal nature.

But you and I don’t have to take the bait. We don’t need to crawl into the trap. We can call for help at the first sign of a compromise or a threat to our marriage.

“Lord, help me!” That’s a great place to begin.

Call a friend, talk with your spouse, change jobs if necessary…whatever it takes to keep your head out of the trap, do it! Do it!

I personally know what it feels like to be caught in a trap. I am very fortunate, and grateful, that I was finally released from the snare; but it wasn’t without some consequences and personal damage. Yes, my God delivered me, my wife forgave me, and I’m walking free of the enemy’s shackles. But at least two things were affected, things I can never change. My testimony and my walk. My testimony is a great picture of God’s saving power, but it isn’t without the blemish of my infidelity. My walk is a holy walk with God, though I now walk with a limp. A limp, as someone whose legs were almost removed by the powerful jaws of the snare.

Folks, it matters not if you are a committed Christian or not. You are not beyond the reach of temptation. But if you will be wise and humble, you’ll recognize areas in your life that may be a good place for the enemy to set a trap.

What do you hunger for? What kind of bait would you go after?

“Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” (James 1:13-15 ESV)

May you remember this verse, and be quick to implement God’s action plan, his way to escape, should your head get just a little too close to the trap.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV)

Action plan? A two part plan.

Ask for help.

Run for your life.

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