Maybe I’m a little late throwing my hat into the ring, but here goes anyway.
I am campaigning to become the next president of the United States. Why? Well, for starters, I can make promises just like any other candidate, and I agree with what I believe much more than I do of others. In fact, I agree with what I believe 90% of the time.
You may wonder about my qualifications. Oh, they’re many, I assure you. But in case you aren’t assured, I’ll list them for you.
As most candidates have skeletons in the closet (I have to be careful using that word, as I get into trouble when I mention “closet”), I have my fair share. One thing that sets me apart from the other candidates, however, is I’ve already published my sins and mistakes of the past. They’re out floating around the internet somewhere (and can also be found on my website).
Another qualification I have is I’m a musician. Meaning, I know how to harmonize with other instruments, take a turn at leading, and soften down to allow others to strut their stuff. I’m also good at improvisation, or as others might call it, flying by the seat of my pants. Hey, a president has to be flexible.
Some would reason I don’t have enough education for the position. No, I’m not a lawyer or a doctor. I do not have an MBA degree or even a complete college education. But from what I’ve seen, an education doesn’t guarantee good decisions.
I kiss babies.
I love dogs, and our two grand cats.
I can make promises.
I worked for the Postal Service going on twenty years. I understand upper level management and their idiocies. I learned how to give subordinates ridiculously impossible goals, simply by the example of my superiors. Therefore, I am confident all of my campaign promises can be realized within four weeks of my inauguration (with the exception of my medical care plan).
All I need is a chance to prove myself.
If elected, I promise to:
1. Rid the world of evil. Here’s the part you’ll like, and hopefully, cause you to vote for me: YOU get to determine what is evil, and what isn’t. Well, you can HELP determine.
2. Ban all Soap Operas (exempting your favorite’s, of course), smokers standing too close to a shopping mall’s entrance, and people who post all their family drama on Facebook.
3. Visit every city within the United States with a population of at least 50,000 every year. I don’t play golf, so I figure I’ll have the time. I’ll hold town hall meetings and hand out free questions for people to ask me. I’d hate to embarrass anyone, you know.
4. Repeal Obamacare. My team is hard at work at this moment working on a better, more affordable plan, and I’ll roll it out by the end of my 3rd year as president. I promise.
5. Requisition a robot Press Secretary, so those in the press will receive a quick answer to every question they feel like asking. The robot will be fashioned after the iconic HAL9000, and of course, will be programmed to say as its default answer, “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” It will save tons of time, and the Press Secretary will never have to get flustered or red-faced. Each member of the press will be able to write a question on their smart phone, send the question to the robot, and will receive an answer almost immediately. Great, huh?!
6. Increase the military by 300%. How, you ask? Is the answer important to you? All I can say, at this moment, is my team is working on it. One of our ideas is to enlist able-bodied men who are presently receiving welfare payments. Another is to sign up those who can’t afford health insurance. Of course, by the end of my third year, healthcare will be affordable for everyone. I promise.
7. Serve the United Nations notice that they’ll need to find a different nation to headquarter in. They’ve dumped on this nation far too long, and they’ve taken their last American Dollar from us. This promise will go into effect four weeks after my inauguration, so Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, you’d better start looking.
8. Change the pay rate for politicians. I will have them switch to a system similar to the military. Pay raises based upon time in service/grade, and the need/supply ration. I don’t mean they’ll receive a general or colonel’s pay. I’m talking about an enlisted man’s pay. I promise.
9. Eliminate once and for all the IRS. I like the idea of a flat 7% tax rate, paid to the state one resides in. The state, in turn, pays a certain percentage to the Federal Government – kind of like union dues.
If elected, I have a few more promises I think you’ll be interested in.
10. Everyone will be happy. No one sad or disappointed as long as I’m president.
11. Gas prices will be rolled back to 1970 prices; somewhere in the 30 cents per gallon range.
12. Stray dogs and cats will be gathered up and given good homes.
13. America will be great again.
14. The Cubs WILL win the World Series each year I’m president.
15. I will not use teleprompters.
16. I will choose a vice president who would make a great president.
17. I will raise the minimum wage of every entry level position by lowering the wages of politicians.
18. I will pray for this nation every day.
19. Our borders will be secured by utilizing drones and infrared cameras. Those crossing our borders illegally will be shot with a smart gun (OUCH, that SMARTS) which will inject them with a liberal dose of “No More Nonsense”. NMN is a new drug which repels would-be illegal aliens, making them either go back home or find the correct way to cross. Yes, it’s a miracle drug.
20. I promise to never tell a lie.
I understand there are some issues you may not agree with me on, but if you’ll reply to this post using your polite voice, I’ll see what I can do to become your candidate.
You know, as I’ve tried to demonstrate throughout my campaign, anyone can promise anything. Everyone has ideas, and some are even good! But there’s not a person who can be all things to all people. And, quite frankly, there’s really only One Person Who would be the best president for this great nation, and He’s not running.
Some wouldn’t vote for Him anyway. Separation of church and state, and all that jazz.
Remember, even if you don’t want to vote for me, vote for someone who really cares for this nation and its people; not just about getting elected to THE place of power.
P.S. I’m NOT really running. But it’s important that we don’t just listen to the promises and forget about the character of the one making the promises.